cryin shoulder

lately, i've been really tested on finding out who i am. for a while, i felt like the rejectee's friend -- the rebound girl. i was always okay with it before, but it bothered me sooo much after something happened here at college. it hurts, because you think maybe you can never shake the feeling of being everyone's second, third, fourth option.

I still feel like that girl people come to after they broke their relationship off, or after they realized they screwed up their life. and i dont know how i should feel about that.

i'm glad people can come to me. but it's hard to be a good friend to someone when deep down, you think that as soon as they come to cope with their life, you know they're gonna drop you like a hot tamale. Well, until the next crisis takes over their life. not everyone is like that. i'm not really accusing anyone of anything directly.

sometimes... it's tough being a shoulder to cry on.

confession

i never really kept up with a diary. this may surprise you. it's true. i'm not good on these day-to-day meditations until something big happens that's easy for other people to not see. like, for instance, me leaving again. i guess it's a big deal to me because it feels like i'm going to an entirely different world and i become an entirely different person. i get my own room [[sorta]], my own friends, my own schedule, my own everything. it sounds nice -- everybody craves some sort of independance. but while some people usually see how far they've gotten, i look at how far I have to go yet.

i don't think i'm okay with where i'm at in my life. that's all right =J it makes me that more persistant to change what i don't like and cling to what I do. no time reminds me so much of reality than when it's time to leave home.

i mean, i've left before and i'll come back. then i'll leave again. part of me will always want to go home... and i think that's a good thing.

Different Side of Me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and then you'll see
A Different Side of Me.

Alot of things are different. And I hate change. Being away changes alot of thing, especially when you give 100% to what you do - makes it harder to feel a part of it anymore when you come back.

Some people don't understand why I do what I do. And sometimes, I don't either, lol. But that's okay.

So, Sarah's not here. Neither is Cubby. I can't talk to some people the way I used to.

But some things are going to be the same. Abby still likes watching those stupid YouTube videos. Tim and I know exactly who Dad is referring to when he preaches and refers to "one of his kids", Chrissy can still pretty much read my mind, and Jason doesn't wonder who gave my sister the zippo. And, all things considered, this is okay with me.

Cya. Gonna watch Night at the Museum with Abby. =J

Amazing Friends = Amazing Weekend

Admit it. You're amazing. I have the most amazing friends.

So, like, about the hoedown, I was sent on a guilt trip for not going. I did poorly on a midterm and I was perfectly happy going back to my dorm, lying on my bed, feeling fat (girls feel fat when they are depressed, fyi). I was determined to feel this way.

Then, my amazing friend forced me to go. Sorta forced. Inside, I really wanted to have a calm before a storm of a weekend studying.

I really like square dancing. The only think that kinda stinks is that the guy who asks you to dance with him takes you to the floor, you swing once, promenade once, then you get a new partner! And you spend more time with the partner than with the guy you started out with ! Geeze... that part sucks.

Then ::laugh:: we did the Virginia Reel. And I had to dance with a little boy. And I was like, "Crud. This is my fave square dance and I have to worry about whether my partner knows when to peel off, sashe down, etc." So I was kinda upset my VA Reel went like that. BUT then !! they called the VA reel as the second to last dance ! And I got to dance it with a great partner, who almost took my arm off, lol. And, like all PHC dances, it ended with a waltz. And I waltzed. Then my partner decided to tango to a four-step. Haha...

SO THEN ! I was like, Okay. Time to focus - weekend of studying. And here I am... Sunday night. Blogging.

I went to a football game today. And my team won. I was soooo enthusiastic, I actually think that sport-enthusiasts have the right idea. I am def watching more football/baseball games here on campus. I know someone here who watches every PA game (he's actually from Philly), so he's gonna lmk when they come on.

I may be an idiot (for not getting any studying done), but I am a happy idiot.

Ok,,, going to study for real now.

now i understand

ok, so, like, this is my take on guys.

they're not all jerks. some just don't know any better. ;)

it's amazing how once you convince yourself on something about them, they change.

I dont mean to talk about guys as if they are in a totally different class. I mean, when I was a kid, I remember playing flashlight tag in the dark, hiding underneath trailers, and running through the woods with tim and joe's friends. then, i got old enough for mom and dad to decide that my doing that wasn't appropriate and i was kinda miffed. actually, really miffed. alot.

but life isn't over when you get disappointed in any way over a guy, or over guys. why is it that a girl can offend a girl and we get over it but guys are different? because we expect too much from them. and half of the time, they don't know.

but i like the way they try.

My Prayer

Dear God:
I don't know why you let things happen the way you do, or why, in your omniscience, you allow things to happen when you know that I'm going to wind up feeling hurt.

If you're trying to teach me a lesson, then I've learned it, I promise. Somewhere, deep inside, I know the truth.

Please take away this thorn and let me be at peace with my life. Send me through the fire once so that my impurities can be melted out of me,. But, dear God, let it be only once and let it be hard so that in the days after I will know no such pain, or loneliness, or hurt.

Let me feel your presence as one who leads me by the hand. Don't let go, because when you do, I lose my direction.

Dwell in my words that others may know of your presence - you're always there, God. Why do you allow us to forget this?

Why is everyone so distant to my inner most feelings? why can I not, in their absence, feel you? Why will you not penetrate every atom of my being?

Break me and use the pieces to make me into the one you want me to be.

Amen.

Out of the Mouth of BrainyQuote.com ...

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
-- Raymond Lindquist

Thank you, Mr. Lindquist. That does not make this entry any easier. John Wayne said it better.

Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.
--John Wayne

It's scary for me to let go and start again. Even hard things, like this summer, I still cling to in a sense. It's familar to me. Even thought it hurts, I can't bring myself to stop thinking about being disappointed, responsible, and hurt.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

Ain't that the truth? Until I let go, I will be cynical, insensitive, and insecure. Right?

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
-- Leo Buscaglia

Because... I'm a masochist. Haha. Jk. I hold on to it because I can still change it. Is it so wring to give up myself completely to save something that my family is losing its grip on? And, no. It's not a person. It's something else.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
-- Author Unknown

I still can't come to grips with it. I know that I'm not close to being the person I should be, especially when I keep recent events in mind. Tonight, I linked my immaturity as a Christian with my inability to release the things that are enslaving me to the pursuit of my own ambitions rather than the image of God. Allowing emotions to control every aspect of my life is hurting others.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” - Jim Morrison

::shrugs:: if you say so...

::turns up volume on iTunes::

I've grown to see the philosophy of my own mistrust, / We all have our faults, mine come in waves that you turn to rust, / Some of us laugh, some of us cry, / Some of us smoke, some of us lie, / But it's all just the way that we cope with our lives. / I've been hanging onto something, / You keep laughing awe-inspiring.