cryin shoulder

lately, i've been really tested on finding out who i am. for a while, i felt like the rejectee's friend -- the rebound girl. i was always okay with it before, but it bothered me sooo much after something happened here at college. it hurts, because you think maybe you can never shake the feeling of being everyone's second, third, fourth option.

I still feel like that girl people come to after they broke their relationship off, or after they realized they screwed up their life. and i dont know how i should feel about that.

i'm glad people can come to me. but it's hard to be a good friend to someone when deep down, you think that as soon as they come to cope with their life, you know they're gonna drop you like a hot tamale. Well, until the next crisis takes over their life. not everyone is like that. i'm not really accusing anyone of anything directly.

sometimes... it's tough being a shoulder to cry on.

confession

i never really kept up with a diary. this may surprise you. it's true. i'm not good on these day-to-day meditations until something big happens that's easy for other people to not see. like, for instance, me leaving again. i guess it's a big deal to me because it feels like i'm going to an entirely different world and i become an entirely different person. i get my own room [[sorta]], my own friends, my own schedule, my own everything. it sounds nice -- everybody craves some sort of independance. but while some people usually see how far they've gotten, i look at how far I have to go yet.

i don't think i'm okay with where i'm at in my life. that's all right =J it makes me that more persistant to change what i don't like and cling to what I do. no time reminds me so much of reality than when it's time to leave home.

i mean, i've left before and i'll come back. then i'll leave again. part of me will always want to go home... and i think that's a good thing.

Different Side of Me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and then you'll see
A Different Side of Me.

Alot of things are different. And I hate change. Being away changes alot of thing, especially when you give 100% to what you do - makes it harder to feel a part of it anymore when you come back.

Some people don't understand why I do what I do. And sometimes, I don't either, lol. But that's okay.

So, Sarah's not here. Neither is Cubby. I can't talk to some people the way I used to.

But some things are going to be the same. Abby still likes watching those stupid YouTube videos. Tim and I know exactly who Dad is referring to when he preaches and refers to "one of his kids", Chrissy can still pretty much read my mind, and Jason doesn't wonder who gave my sister the zippo. And, all things considered, this is okay with me.

Cya. Gonna watch Night at the Museum with Abby. =J

Amazing Friends = Amazing Weekend

Admit it. You're amazing. I have the most amazing friends.

So, like, about the hoedown, I was sent on a guilt trip for not going. I did poorly on a midterm and I was perfectly happy going back to my dorm, lying on my bed, feeling fat (girls feel fat when they are depressed, fyi). I was determined to feel this way.

Then, my amazing friend forced me to go. Sorta forced. Inside, I really wanted to have a calm before a storm of a weekend studying.

I really like square dancing. The only think that kinda stinks is that the guy who asks you to dance with him takes you to the floor, you swing once, promenade once, then you get a new partner! And you spend more time with the partner than with the guy you started out with ! Geeze... that part sucks.

Then ::laugh:: we did the Virginia Reel. And I had to dance with a little boy. And I was like, "Crud. This is my fave square dance and I have to worry about whether my partner knows when to peel off, sashe down, etc." So I was kinda upset my VA Reel went like that. BUT then !! they called the VA reel as the second to last dance ! And I got to dance it with a great partner, who almost took my arm off, lol. And, like all PHC dances, it ended with a waltz. And I waltzed. Then my partner decided to tango to a four-step. Haha...

SO THEN ! I was like, Okay. Time to focus - weekend of studying. And here I am... Sunday night. Blogging.

I went to a football game today. And my team won. I was soooo enthusiastic, I actually think that sport-enthusiasts have the right idea. I am def watching more football/baseball games here on campus. I know someone here who watches every PA game (he's actually from Philly), so he's gonna lmk when they come on.

I may be an idiot (for not getting any studying done), but I am a happy idiot.

Ok,,, going to study for real now.

now i understand

ok, so, like, this is my take on guys.

they're not all jerks. some just don't know any better. ;)

it's amazing how once you convince yourself on something about them, they change.

I dont mean to talk about guys as if they are in a totally different class. I mean, when I was a kid, I remember playing flashlight tag in the dark, hiding underneath trailers, and running through the woods with tim and joe's friends. then, i got old enough for mom and dad to decide that my doing that wasn't appropriate and i was kinda miffed. actually, really miffed. alot.

but life isn't over when you get disappointed in any way over a guy, or over guys. why is it that a girl can offend a girl and we get over it but guys are different? because we expect too much from them. and half of the time, they don't know.

but i like the way they try.

My Prayer

Dear God:
I don't know why you let things happen the way you do, or why, in your omniscience, you allow things to happen when you know that I'm going to wind up feeling hurt.

If you're trying to teach me a lesson, then I've learned it, I promise. Somewhere, deep inside, I know the truth.

Please take away this thorn and let me be at peace with my life. Send me through the fire once so that my impurities can be melted out of me,. But, dear God, let it be only once and let it be hard so that in the days after I will know no such pain, or loneliness, or hurt.

Let me feel your presence as one who leads me by the hand. Don't let go, because when you do, I lose my direction.

Dwell in my words that others may know of your presence - you're always there, God. Why do you allow us to forget this?

Why is everyone so distant to my inner most feelings? why can I not, in their absence, feel you? Why will you not penetrate every atom of my being?

Break me and use the pieces to make me into the one you want me to be.

Amen.

Out of the Mouth of BrainyQuote.com ...

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
-- Raymond Lindquist

Thank you, Mr. Lindquist. That does not make this entry any easier. John Wayne said it better.

Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.
--John Wayne

It's scary for me to let go and start again. Even hard things, like this summer, I still cling to in a sense. It's familar to me. Even thought it hurts, I can't bring myself to stop thinking about being disappointed, responsible, and hurt.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

Ain't that the truth? Until I let go, I will be cynical, insensitive, and insecure. Right?

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
-- Leo Buscaglia

Because... I'm a masochist. Haha. Jk. I hold on to it because I can still change it. Is it so wring to give up myself completely to save something that my family is losing its grip on? And, no. It's not a person. It's something else.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
-- Author Unknown

I still can't come to grips with it. I know that I'm not close to being the person I should be, especially when I keep recent events in mind. Tonight, I linked my immaturity as a Christian with my inability to release the things that are enslaving me to the pursuit of my own ambitions rather than the image of God. Allowing emotions to control every aspect of my life is hurting others.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” - Jim Morrison

::shrugs:: if you say so...

::turns up volume on iTunes::

I've grown to see the philosophy of my own mistrust, / We all have our faults, mine come in waves that you turn to rust, / Some of us laugh, some of us cry, / Some of us smoke, some of us lie, / But it's all just the way that we cope with our lives. / I've been hanging onto something, / You keep laughing awe-inspiring.

Lessons from a Stairwell...

It's stupid to tell everyone the things that are hurting you deep inside...

... proverbs 29:11

The temptations to quit, take the easy way out of, or complain about isn't anything new...

...I corinthians 10:13

Even if it seems as though what I'm doing wont ever stop, there is an ending...

...I corinthians 9:25-26

It's more important to hear about yourself thru others, rather than self...

...proverbs 27:2

Too much studying corrupts the soul..

...ecclesiastes 12:12

God judges. not me...

...romans 14:13

it was a hard night for and he knew it. he prolly figured it out because i wasn't really talking and when i did, i steered it away from anything personal.
i'm glad he didn't pry alot past asking if everything was ok. i kinda thought that that was a stupid question because I always say yes regardless.
he told me that God gives grace for His children...
i responded by respectfully letting him know that God also allows us to go through shit.



the harder the times are, i think,

"Ok, what am i supposed to be learning?"

other times, i think God is trying to teach me

''if you got urself into this mess, ur sure as heck gonna find a way out."

=/

Things that make me smile irrevocably ...

... because getting mad has it moments.

Dr. Hake's laugh. Getting mail from Colorado. FB notifications. A guy putting his arm around a girl. Certain songs (this is how a heart breaks, stay beautiful, all i need...) Making someone smile by saying something. Making someone smile by not saying anything. someone suggesting we go for coffee. gTalking a friend during class, while trying to keep a straight face and seeing the im recipient trying to do the same. Status messages with ulterior meanings. Red dresses. Little kids and ice cream. My deck of cards ;) Circus peanuts. Older brothers acting like it. Stars 'n' Bars. Heck, yes. Someone asking, "Coke or Pep-?... nevermind. Be right back." Country music. Shoes that clack. Wall-to-Walls. Secret names for the sake of gossip. Innocent looks.

The most important one:
The way God knows when to make me smile. *grin*
But most especially:
The way God let them all happen within a week. Or just about all of them. 85% is a good guesstimate.

Three Things...

When I listen to a certain song, or get a certain phone call, or when a random memory comes up, I start to really, really, really, miss PA and wonder why I left. Technically, it's not over after the four years here. There's prep work after this - internships, law school (maybe), and corporate ladders to climb.

But when I left home, Abby needed her "Three Things" - I need to do these three things whenever I leave (even if I'm just going to Trailside or something).

* Hug
* Kiss
* "I love you as big as this house?"

She doesnt care where I'm going, how long I'm going to be, or even if I'm coming back (even tho I always will). As long as she knows that I love her, she's okay.

Today, I kinda really only wanted to do those three things with her. It's hard being away because you miss doing things with people and you wonder if they even know that you miss them.

So, I'm here, kinda wondering if I'm doing the right thing in my life and i get an email alert.

"Aww ! Someone's thinking about me !" I think happily as I click anxiously on the email link.

I wait as the page begins to load and I get an email ... from FB. darn it.

Things I may never say again:

* White, Whole Wheat, or Rye Toast?
* Hang on, let me go stand in the middle of 897.
* Cleason, don't cross the line.
* "You've got MAIL !"
* Red or Green?
* "Hungry Man?" "Sure am, Sweetie."
* White chocolate mocha, extra shot, no foam and a little straw thingy.
* Where's Jason?
* T-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-mmm !

Kudos if you know why I would even say some of those things in the first place.

Ok. Fine. Whatever

"Bekah, when you're mad, the whole world better watch out."
"I could tell you were mad..."
"So, what does it sound like when you're happy?"

Believe it or not, guys, those jokes get old.

I'm not always mad...
No, I don't know how to relax.
And yes...I'll try to smile more.
Happy?

Docs Warn:

Texting Distracts !

Thursday, July 31, 2008
Chicago (AP)

The American College of Emergency Physicians warned this week of the danger of more serious accidents involving oblivious texters.

The ER doctors cite rising reports from doctors around the country of injuries involving text-messaging pedestrians, bicyclists, Rollerbladers (sic), even motorists.

Most involve scrapes, cuts and sprains from texters who walked into lampposts or walls or tripped over curbs.

Still, ER doctors who responded to a recent informal query from the organization reported two deaths, both in California. A San Francisco woman was killed by a pickup truck earlier this year when she stepped off a curb while texting, and a Bakersfield man was killed last year by a car while crossing the street and texting.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has no national estimate on how common texting-related injuries are. But among the reports it has received: A 15-year-old girl fell off her horse while texting, suffering head and back injuries, and a 13-year-old girl suffered belly, leg and arm burns after texting her boyfriend while cooking noodles.

being nothing

On Sunday, the pastor, or, as I like to call him, Dad was talking about Psalm 8:4. David asks,

"What is man, that Thou art mindful
of him? And the son of man that Thou visits him?"

Everyone is in the fast lane anymore, trying to be something - anything - in their job, relationships, or in just their lives. But what we forget is that we are nothing and all of our perceived good works as just as good as filthy rags.
But we don't understand this. We think that the further up the corporate ladder we can get, the better life will ultimately be.
Dad mentioned Moses. This guy had it all going for him. He had to be absolutely nothing -less than nothing even- before God could use him. Now that I think about it, the reason why Moses could to enter the Promised Land in the end was because he exalted himself above God.
Robert E. Lee, one of the most devout men in history, said,

"I tremble for my country when I hear of
confidence expressed in me. I know
too well... that our only hope is in God."

I just wish that more people, myself included, were content with being nothing.

tired of life? m-a-a-ybe...

... but i doubt it. i'm fed up. but thats my fault?

this morning, at people's, i worked with a new waitress. wait - not new. she was a waitress at Denny's....and a place called Garfield's....and Al La Mode... and another place that i hadn't head of before...

but that didnt bother me... the thing that bothered me was that she was a morning person... at 4:30 am...the woman would not sit down. she took every customer, every order, cleared every table and vacuumed every freaking crumb.

i usually use the time between 5:30 (when i finish setting up the restaurant) and 6:00 (when the restaurant opens) to read, listen to music, or, better still, get another 15 minutes of rest. not today, not next monday and not the one after that...

she was so high-strung, i was breathing for her. We split tips, so if she wanted to grab everything and run herself down, i didnt argue. i sat and sudoku'd, watching the clock. and i thought about something...

i am so gonna have to force myself to chill... thats my new goal. i'm not gonna freak over the stupid little things, i'm not gonna get mad if things aren't done my exact way and i'm not gonna do everything at once.

If you don't believe me, i dont blame you. i dont think i can either. but i'm sure as heck gonna try...

In the back

when ur a little kid, you ride in the back seat. always. no question. "Kids, get in the back" or, as abby likes it, "In the back, crackerjack."

it's a good feeling. as charlie brown says, 'the safest place to be is in the back seat.'

dad's driving, mom's there and ur surrounded by ur family. granted, they are prolly screaming, or pulling someone else's hair out... but they're there.

something else is that you know ur gonna get to where ur going. you dont know how long it's gonna take, you dont know where ur going, and sometimes, you're not sure what's wedged in between the seat cushions. but ur gonna get there.

A year ago, I was in the car with Dad. it was raining really hard and you could not see too far ahead of you. Mom was kinda uptight and it showed in the conversation she was having with Dad. The kids in the back were fighting, as only kids do... but Dad kept driving. He knew where he was going and that was okay.

So, yeah. I usually sit in the back...because I know the driver in charge.
... another reason is that I broke my mom's front seat to her car. But I rarely mention that fact.

the past three weeks in a nutshell

The idea of someone always being there for you is a novel idea. Bon Jovi reinforces this in his song, "I'll be there for you." The Lord of the Rings' characters epitomize loyalty, friendship and company. And, of course, who can forget Mark Wahlbergs unforgettable Bob Lee Swagger who is at just the right place at just the right time for just the right person? We simply accept the fact that eventually, we will have that someone or we will be that someone. My little confession is that these seemingly small declarations of loyalty are enough to arouse my vaguely feminine emotions. (Yes. Sometimes, I cry.)

But reality is not the box-office hit or the top-album compilation. Reality is having someone, who you regarded as your best friend, have their life turned upside down/inside out by someone with whom they trusted the most important thing they had. Reality is losing your friends. Reality is your sister -- I can't really continue except to say that if you know whats going on, then you know what I mean. Reality is knowing that others expect you to do the same, and that you think you might too. So much for free-will.

I'm also learning an aspect of loyalty through my college education. You could prolly tell that i was upset when I came to VA - not because of the workload or anything, but because, when i left initially, I was scared of losing my friends. Time proved that to be true. I never heard from or saw alot of the people I was in daily contact with before I left. In a sense, this is one reason why I don't want to leave this time. Some friends - i don't want to lose. For my own sake, I can't afford to lose.

It's kinda hypocritical, isn't it? The loyalty I crave for in others, I can't even provide - if just to myself. College can be the most rewarding, successful, and spiritually amazing time a person can have. On the other side, it can be, at times, lonely, make one self-dependant, and downright struggling. I can't even be a stable person for myself. I'm not bipolar, or manic or anything. But sometimes, at random times, I remember this and... idk. I'm upset at what I can't be.

I am so glad for my friends - my old friends who have stayed with me, my newly discovered friends who remind me that I am not who my sister is, and for just the people who appreciate me for who I am.

So, thanks, guys. Thanks for the support and I understand that sometimes, the best thing to do is to not get involved with other people's problems (like mine), so to you, I say, thanks for your time that you have set aside and given to me. You mean more than you know. I'm really struggling and it means so much to know that i have a force behind me, ready to push me through my issues, even if it's just for a short time. =)

John Wayne

. I . Love . John . Wayne .


I think he is the most amazing guy ever. Like, ever ever.

Every movie he was in, he was a character who kept to moral standards.

Some people tell me they have a couple of his movies. Or they have heard of him, but never saw a John Wayne movie. Or, worse yet, they have never even heard of him.

This is a problem. What the heck is wrong with a society that idolizes people like Brad Pitt or Matt Damon over men like John Wayne?

Coping

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to realize that you are not in control. Lately, so many things have happened and I feel that if I can't fix it, I can be blamed for it. Don't ask. Thats how I am. It's how I've always been.

I guess I could try to fix it. In fact, I have. I am trying to pay off the fine. I have tried to call her. I even started tracing her to find out what exactly has been going on down there.

But I can't fix it. I have no money. She won't talk to me and even if i do trace her, what then? A road trip to Alabama?

No, I cant fix it. Maybe it was my fault to begin with...

Maybe I could have been there for her more, ya know? I was always the one that would angrily try to fix the problems she's caused. I got upset every time I knew she was on the phone with him. Maybe there was a time she just wanted to talk and I wasnt there to listen.

I guess my only option is to ignore it, as i sit here and eat pringles and drink my last snapple...