Coping

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to realize that you are not in control. Lately, so many things have happened and I feel that if I can't fix it, I can be blamed for it. Don't ask. Thats how I am. It's how I've always been.

I guess I could try to fix it. In fact, I have. I am trying to pay off the fine. I have tried to call her. I even started tracing her to find out what exactly has been going on down there.

But I can't fix it. I have no money. She won't talk to me and even if i do trace her, what then? A road trip to Alabama?

No, I cant fix it. Maybe it was my fault to begin with...

Maybe I could have been there for her more, ya know? I was always the one that would angrily try to fix the problems she's caused. I got upset every time I knew she was on the phone with him. Maybe there was a time she just wanted to talk and I wasnt there to listen.

I guess my only option is to ignore it, as i sit here and eat pringles and drink my last snapple...

Nostalgic

This evening, I was working. I looked out the doors and remembered seeing someone there. I quickly turned around because I didn't want to imagine him again.

I stood at my desk and looked across the department and remembered something else. I sat down quickly and focused on my work. I didn't want to remember that either.

Sitting at the computer - watching the screensaver - kicking off my shoes - twirling a pen in my hand -- I remembered having people stand around me. I remember them. I remember one in particular.

I picked up the phone. My fingers thoughtlessly tapped out the phone number i needed. I hung up the phone quickly, freaked out that I remembered.

My vision blurred and my throat felt weird.

Maybe I didn't want to remember some things, but they are a very part of me that I can't explain.

Statements and Conclusions at 12:44pm

It's so weird how people's opinions of other people change soooo much. There are so many people that I found annoying, weird and scary. But, after i got to know them, they were really cool.

Conversely, the people who i thought were awesome turned out to be kinda hurtful.

Conclusion:
When we set our requirements high, people are going to fail them.
When we don't expect things from other people, we know that those relationships/friendships are going to last.

So if i don't like you, that's actually a good thing.

Wow...

Guys, i had an amazing night. Well, not amazing. How about a 'wow' night?

There were mice in styrofoam cups, kiwi's over dorms and country music on the piano. What could be better?

ah, i wish for more evening like this one.

First in You

"Why do I let them in and
Close the door to You?
Why do I laugh with them, cry with them
When You're the one who's true?

"When they make me mad, upset
I get alone and cry.
Gently, You wipe my tears away with
'I have always been close by.' (Heb. 13:5)

"I shove You aside, not ready
To let You in to stay.
I have so many things to do and
You'll just get in my way.

"When will I realize
That all I seek in others
I will find first in You?

"Because You want me
And I need to be wanted.
You seek me
Because I need to be sought.
You take my sorrows
And make them Your own.
You remind me of His promise -
'The Father left you not alone.' (John 8:29)

I'll find first in You
The confidence I lack.
I'll find first in You
The one whose got my back.
I'll find first in You
The God of Abraham
I'll find first in You
The person that I am.

a corner of your mouth smiles...

... while everyone ignores your frown.

So, i'm back from break. for those of you who respond with, 'you were gone?', i reply with a hearty ha-ha.

but yes, i am back. and i am depressed.

i have realized that my friends are people that were. that nothing has continued. that the tears shed in december 2007 were justified.

i felt isolated, in a sense. and that's okay. nothing - not even people - are going to stay the same. friends are momentary. relationships are fleeting. of course, these people arent dead. i can still talk to them, ya know? but there is something lost that will never be regained.

You pause before embarking on your new path, contemplating life...
...and you can feel a corner of your mouth smile.

The truth... and not

I hope that, after finishing this typing, i will be rid of these feelings.

I like control. I like knowing what's going to happen and i feel much better about it if I'm the one who made it happen. I like telling people what to do, not because i want to be bossy, but just because I want to be in control of the situation.

I don't like feeling out of control. I dont like it when I can't make a decision myself and someone makes it for me.

I like going into a situation that has absolutely no control. When i leave it, everything will be in order.

I liked working at Goods. I liked looking at the schedule, noticing the errors and fixing them myself, without bothering to tell management. I liked the way people would come to me and ask me for help. Even though it wasn't my place, I told them what to do. They always thought what I had to say was important enough to a) listen to, b) ask for and c) do.

I think that the ppl i dislike mostly in my life were the ones who tried to tell me what to do when I felt it wasnt their place. I try only to impose my opinion to people who ask, people who need it or myself. I try always to have a response.

I am trying to work on it, but if that is essentially who I am, should I even bother to change it?