tired of life? m-a-a-ybe...

... but i doubt it. i'm fed up. but thats my fault?

this morning, at people's, i worked with a new waitress. wait - not new. she was a waitress at Denny's....and a place called Garfield's....and Al La Mode... and another place that i hadn't head of before...

but that didnt bother me... the thing that bothered me was that she was a morning person... at 4:30 am...the woman would not sit down. she took every customer, every order, cleared every table and vacuumed every freaking crumb.

i usually use the time between 5:30 (when i finish setting up the restaurant) and 6:00 (when the restaurant opens) to read, listen to music, or, better still, get another 15 minutes of rest. not today, not next monday and not the one after that...

she was so high-strung, i was breathing for her. We split tips, so if she wanted to grab everything and run herself down, i didnt argue. i sat and sudoku'd, watching the clock. and i thought about something...

i am so gonna have to force myself to chill... thats my new goal. i'm not gonna freak over the stupid little things, i'm not gonna get mad if things aren't done my exact way and i'm not gonna do everything at once.

If you don't believe me, i dont blame you. i dont think i can either. but i'm sure as heck gonna try...

In the back

when ur a little kid, you ride in the back seat. always. no question. "Kids, get in the back" or, as abby likes it, "In the back, crackerjack."

it's a good feeling. as charlie brown says, 'the safest place to be is in the back seat.'

dad's driving, mom's there and ur surrounded by ur family. granted, they are prolly screaming, or pulling someone else's hair out... but they're there.

something else is that you know ur gonna get to where ur going. you dont know how long it's gonna take, you dont know where ur going, and sometimes, you're not sure what's wedged in between the seat cushions. but ur gonna get there.

A year ago, I was in the car with Dad. it was raining really hard and you could not see too far ahead of you. Mom was kinda uptight and it showed in the conversation she was having with Dad. The kids in the back were fighting, as only kids do... but Dad kept driving. He knew where he was going and that was okay.

So, yeah. I usually sit in the back...because I know the driver in charge.
... another reason is that I broke my mom's front seat to her car. But I rarely mention that fact.

the past three weeks in a nutshell

The idea of someone always being there for you is a novel idea. Bon Jovi reinforces this in his song, "I'll be there for you." The Lord of the Rings' characters epitomize loyalty, friendship and company. And, of course, who can forget Mark Wahlbergs unforgettable Bob Lee Swagger who is at just the right place at just the right time for just the right person? We simply accept the fact that eventually, we will have that someone or we will be that someone. My little confession is that these seemingly small declarations of loyalty are enough to arouse my vaguely feminine emotions. (Yes. Sometimes, I cry.)

But reality is not the box-office hit or the top-album compilation. Reality is having someone, who you regarded as your best friend, have their life turned upside down/inside out by someone with whom they trusted the most important thing they had. Reality is losing your friends. Reality is your sister -- I can't really continue except to say that if you know whats going on, then you know what I mean. Reality is knowing that others expect you to do the same, and that you think you might too. So much for free-will.

I'm also learning an aspect of loyalty through my college education. You could prolly tell that i was upset when I came to VA - not because of the workload or anything, but because, when i left initially, I was scared of losing my friends. Time proved that to be true. I never heard from or saw alot of the people I was in daily contact with before I left. In a sense, this is one reason why I don't want to leave this time. Some friends - i don't want to lose. For my own sake, I can't afford to lose.

It's kinda hypocritical, isn't it? The loyalty I crave for in others, I can't even provide - if just to myself. College can be the most rewarding, successful, and spiritually amazing time a person can have. On the other side, it can be, at times, lonely, make one self-dependant, and downright struggling. I can't even be a stable person for myself. I'm not bipolar, or manic or anything. But sometimes, at random times, I remember this and... idk. I'm upset at what I can't be.

I am so glad for my friends - my old friends who have stayed with me, my newly discovered friends who remind me that I am not who my sister is, and for just the people who appreciate me for who I am.

So, thanks, guys. Thanks for the support and I understand that sometimes, the best thing to do is to not get involved with other people's problems (like mine), so to you, I say, thanks for your time that you have set aside and given to me. You mean more than you know. I'm really struggling and it means so much to know that i have a force behind me, ready to push me through my issues, even if it's just for a short time. =)