cryin shoulder

lately, i've been really tested on finding out who i am. for a while, i felt like the rejectee's friend -- the rebound girl. i was always okay with it before, but it bothered me sooo much after something happened here at college. it hurts, because you think maybe you can never shake the feeling of being everyone's second, third, fourth option.

I still feel like that girl people come to after they broke their relationship off, or after they realized they screwed up their life. and i dont know how i should feel about that.

i'm glad people can come to me. but it's hard to be a good friend to someone when deep down, you think that as soon as they come to cope with their life, you know they're gonna drop you like a hot tamale. Well, until the next crisis takes over their life. not everyone is like that. i'm not really accusing anyone of anything directly.

sometimes... it's tough being a shoulder to cry on.

confession

i never really kept up with a diary. this may surprise you. it's true. i'm not good on these day-to-day meditations until something big happens that's easy for other people to not see. like, for instance, me leaving again. i guess it's a big deal to me because it feels like i'm going to an entirely different world and i become an entirely different person. i get my own room [[sorta]], my own friends, my own schedule, my own everything. it sounds nice -- everybody craves some sort of independance. but while some people usually see how far they've gotten, i look at how far I have to go yet.

i don't think i'm okay with where i'm at in my life. that's all right =J it makes me that more persistant to change what i don't like and cling to what I do. no time reminds me so much of reality than when it's time to leave home.

i mean, i've left before and i'll come back. then i'll leave again. part of me will always want to go home... and i think that's a good thing.