Different Side of Me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and then you'll see
A Different Side of Me.

Alot of things are different. And I hate change. Being away changes alot of thing, especially when you give 100% to what you do - makes it harder to feel a part of it anymore when you come back.

Some people don't understand why I do what I do. And sometimes, I don't either, lol. But that's okay.

So, Sarah's not here. Neither is Cubby. I can't talk to some people the way I used to.

But some things are going to be the same. Abby still likes watching those stupid YouTube videos. Tim and I know exactly who Dad is referring to when he preaches and refers to "one of his kids", Chrissy can still pretty much read my mind, and Jason doesn't wonder who gave my sister the zippo. And, all things considered, this is okay with me.

Cya. Gonna watch Night at the Museum with Abby. =J

Amazing Friends = Amazing Weekend

Admit it. You're amazing. I have the most amazing friends.

So, like, about the hoedown, I was sent on a guilt trip for not going. I did poorly on a midterm and I was perfectly happy going back to my dorm, lying on my bed, feeling fat (girls feel fat when they are depressed, fyi). I was determined to feel this way.

Then, my amazing friend forced me to go. Sorta forced. Inside, I really wanted to have a calm before a storm of a weekend studying.

I really like square dancing. The only think that kinda stinks is that the guy who asks you to dance with him takes you to the floor, you swing once, promenade once, then you get a new partner! And you spend more time with the partner than with the guy you started out with ! Geeze... that part sucks.

Then ::laugh:: we did the Virginia Reel. And I had to dance with a little boy. And I was like, "Crud. This is my fave square dance and I have to worry about whether my partner knows when to peel off, sashe down, etc." So I was kinda upset my VA Reel went like that. BUT then !! they called the VA reel as the second to last dance ! And I got to dance it with a great partner, who almost took my arm off, lol. And, like all PHC dances, it ended with a waltz. And I waltzed. Then my partner decided to tango to a four-step. Haha...

SO THEN ! I was like, Okay. Time to focus - weekend of studying. And here I am... Sunday night. Blogging.

I went to a football game today. And my team won. I was soooo enthusiastic, I actually think that sport-enthusiasts have the right idea. I am def watching more football/baseball games here on campus. I know someone here who watches every PA game (he's actually from Philly), so he's gonna lmk when they come on.

I may be an idiot (for not getting any studying done), but I am a happy idiot.

Ok,,, going to study for real now.

now i understand

ok, so, like, this is my take on guys.

they're not all jerks. some just don't know any better. ;)

it's amazing how once you convince yourself on something about them, they change.

I dont mean to talk about guys as if they are in a totally different class. I mean, when I was a kid, I remember playing flashlight tag in the dark, hiding underneath trailers, and running through the woods with tim and joe's friends. then, i got old enough for mom and dad to decide that my doing that wasn't appropriate and i was kinda miffed. actually, really miffed. alot.

but life isn't over when you get disappointed in any way over a guy, or over guys. why is it that a girl can offend a girl and we get over it but guys are different? because we expect too much from them. and half of the time, they don't know.

but i like the way they try.

My Prayer

Dear God:
I don't know why you let things happen the way you do, or why, in your omniscience, you allow things to happen when you know that I'm going to wind up feeling hurt.

If you're trying to teach me a lesson, then I've learned it, I promise. Somewhere, deep inside, I know the truth.

Please take away this thorn and let me be at peace with my life. Send me through the fire once so that my impurities can be melted out of me,. But, dear God, let it be only once and let it be hard so that in the days after I will know no such pain, or loneliness, or hurt.

Let me feel your presence as one who leads me by the hand. Don't let go, because when you do, I lose my direction.

Dwell in my words that others may know of your presence - you're always there, God. Why do you allow us to forget this?

Why is everyone so distant to my inner most feelings? why can I not, in their absence, feel you? Why will you not penetrate every atom of my being?

Break me and use the pieces to make me into the one you want me to be.

Amen.

Out of the Mouth of BrainyQuote.com ...

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
-- Raymond Lindquist

Thank you, Mr. Lindquist. That does not make this entry any easier. John Wayne said it better.

Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.
--John Wayne

It's scary for me to let go and start again. Even hard things, like this summer, I still cling to in a sense. It's familar to me. Even thought it hurts, I can't bring myself to stop thinking about being disappointed, responsible, and hurt.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
-- Author Unknown

Ain't that the truth? Until I let go, I will be cynical, insensitive, and insecure. Right?

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
-- Leo Buscaglia

Because... I'm a masochist. Haha. Jk. I hold on to it because I can still change it. Is it so wring to give up myself completely to save something that my family is losing its grip on? And, no. It's not a person. It's something else.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
-- Author Unknown

I still can't come to grips with it. I know that I'm not close to being the person I should be, especially when I keep recent events in mind. Tonight, I linked my immaturity as a Christian with my inability to release the things that are enslaving me to the pursuit of my own ambitions rather than the image of God. Allowing emotions to control every aspect of my life is hurting others.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” - Jim Morrison

::shrugs:: if you say so...

::turns up volume on iTunes::

I've grown to see the philosophy of my own mistrust, / We all have our faults, mine come in waves that you turn to rust, / Some of us laugh, some of us cry, / Some of us smoke, some of us lie, / But it's all just the way that we cope with our lives. / I've been hanging onto something, / You keep laughing awe-inspiring.

Lessons from a Stairwell...

It's stupid to tell everyone the things that are hurting you deep inside...

... proverbs 29:11

The temptations to quit, take the easy way out of, or complain about isn't anything new...

...I corinthians 10:13

Even if it seems as though what I'm doing wont ever stop, there is an ending...

...I corinthians 9:25-26

It's more important to hear about yourself thru others, rather than self...

...proverbs 27:2

Too much studying corrupts the soul..

...ecclesiastes 12:12

God judges. not me...

...romans 14:13

it was a hard night for and he knew it. he prolly figured it out because i wasn't really talking and when i did, i steered it away from anything personal.
i'm glad he didn't pry alot past asking if everything was ok. i kinda thought that that was a stupid question because I always say yes regardless.
he told me that God gives grace for His children...
i responded by respectfully letting him know that God also allows us to go through shit.



the harder the times are, i think,

"Ok, what am i supposed to be learning?"

other times, i think God is trying to teach me

''if you got urself into this mess, ur sure as heck gonna find a way out."

=/

Things that make me smile irrevocably ...

... because getting mad has it moments.

Dr. Hake's laugh. Getting mail from Colorado. FB notifications. A guy putting his arm around a girl. Certain songs (this is how a heart breaks, stay beautiful, all i need...) Making someone smile by saying something. Making someone smile by not saying anything. someone suggesting we go for coffee. gTalking a friend during class, while trying to keep a straight face and seeing the im recipient trying to do the same. Status messages with ulterior meanings. Red dresses. Little kids and ice cream. My deck of cards ;) Circus peanuts. Older brothers acting like it. Stars 'n' Bars. Heck, yes. Someone asking, "Coke or Pep-?... nevermind. Be right back." Country music. Shoes that clack. Wall-to-Walls. Secret names for the sake of gossip. Innocent looks.

The most important one:
The way God knows when to make me smile. *grin*
But most especially:
The way God let them all happen within a week. Or just about all of them. 85% is a good guesstimate.

Three Things...

When I listen to a certain song, or get a certain phone call, or when a random memory comes up, I start to really, really, really, miss PA and wonder why I left. Technically, it's not over after the four years here. There's prep work after this - internships, law school (maybe), and corporate ladders to climb.

But when I left home, Abby needed her "Three Things" - I need to do these three things whenever I leave (even if I'm just going to Trailside or something).

* Hug
* Kiss
* "I love you as big as this house?"

She doesnt care where I'm going, how long I'm going to be, or even if I'm coming back (even tho I always will). As long as she knows that I love her, she's okay.

Today, I kinda really only wanted to do those three things with her. It's hard being away because you miss doing things with people and you wonder if they even know that you miss them.

So, I'm here, kinda wondering if I'm doing the right thing in my life and i get an email alert.

"Aww ! Someone's thinking about me !" I think happily as I click anxiously on the email link.

I wait as the page begins to load and I get an email ... from FB. darn it.

Things I may never say again:

* White, Whole Wheat, or Rye Toast?
* Hang on, let me go stand in the middle of 897.
* Cleason, don't cross the line.
* "You've got MAIL !"
* Red or Green?
* "Hungry Man?" "Sure am, Sweetie."
* White chocolate mocha, extra shot, no foam and a little straw thingy.
* Where's Jason?
* T-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-mmm !

Kudos if you know why I would even say some of those things in the first place.

Ok. Fine. Whatever

"Bekah, when you're mad, the whole world better watch out."
"I could tell you were mad..."
"So, what does it sound like when you're happy?"

Believe it or not, guys, those jokes get old.

I'm not always mad...
No, I don't know how to relax.
And yes...I'll try to smile more.
Happy?

Docs Warn:

Texting Distracts !

Thursday, July 31, 2008
Chicago (AP)

The American College of Emergency Physicians warned this week of the danger of more serious accidents involving oblivious texters.

The ER doctors cite rising reports from doctors around the country of injuries involving text-messaging pedestrians, bicyclists, Rollerbladers (sic), even motorists.

Most involve scrapes, cuts and sprains from texters who walked into lampposts or walls or tripped over curbs.

Still, ER doctors who responded to a recent informal query from the organization reported two deaths, both in California. A San Francisco woman was killed by a pickup truck earlier this year when she stepped off a curb while texting, and a Bakersfield man was killed last year by a car while crossing the street and texting.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has no national estimate on how common texting-related injuries are. But among the reports it has received: A 15-year-old girl fell off her horse while texting, suffering head and back injuries, and a 13-year-old girl suffered belly, leg and arm burns after texting her boyfriend while cooking noodles.

being nothing

On Sunday, the pastor, or, as I like to call him, Dad was talking about Psalm 8:4. David asks,

"What is man, that Thou art mindful
of him? And the son of man that Thou visits him?"

Everyone is in the fast lane anymore, trying to be something - anything - in their job, relationships, or in just their lives. But what we forget is that we are nothing and all of our perceived good works as just as good as filthy rags.
But we don't understand this. We think that the further up the corporate ladder we can get, the better life will ultimately be.
Dad mentioned Moses. This guy had it all going for him. He had to be absolutely nothing -less than nothing even- before God could use him. Now that I think about it, the reason why Moses could to enter the Promised Land in the end was because he exalted himself above God.
Robert E. Lee, one of the most devout men in history, said,

"I tremble for my country when I hear of
confidence expressed in me. I know
too well... that our only hope is in God."

I just wish that more people, myself included, were content with being nothing.

tired of life? m-a-a-ybe...

... but i doubt it. i'm fed up. but thats my fault?

this morning, at people's, i worked with a new waitress. wait - not new. she was a waitress at Denny's....and a place called Garfield's....and Al La Mode... and another place that i hadn't head of before...

but that didnt bother me... the thing that bothered me was that she was a morning person... at 4:30 am...the woman would not sit down. she took every customer, every order, cleared every table and vacuumed every freaking crumb.

i usually use the time between 5:30 (when i finish setting up the restaurant) and 6:00 (when the restaurant opens) to read, listen to music, or, better still, get another 15 minutes of rest. not today, not next monday and not the one after that...

she was so high-strung, i was breathing for her. We split tips, so if she wanted to grab everything and run herself down, i didnt argue. i sat and sudoku'd, watching the clock. and i thought about something...

i am so gonna have to force myself to chill... thats my new goal. i'm not gonna freak over the stupid little things, i'm not gonna get mad if things aren't done my exact way and i'm not gonna do everything at once.

If you don't believe me, i dont blame you. i dont think i can either. but i'm sure as heck gonna try...

In the back

when ur a little kid, you ride in the back seat. always. no question. "Kids, get in the back" or, as abby likes it, "In the back, crackerjack."

it's a good feeling. as charlie brown says, 'the safest place to be is in the back seat.'

dad's driving, mom's there and ur surrounded by ur family. granted, they are prolly screaming, or pulling someone else's hair out... but they're there.

something else is that you know ur gonna get to where ur going. you dont know how long it's gonna take, you dont know where ur going, and sometimes, you're not sure what's wedged in between the seat cushions. but ur gonna get there.

A year ago, I was in the car with Dad. it was raining really hard and you could not see too far ahead of you. Mom was kinda uptight and it showed in the conversation she was having with Dad. The kids in the back were fighting, as only kids do... but Dad kept driving. He knew where he was going and that was okay.

So, yeah. I usually sit in the back...because I know the driver in charge.
... another reason is that I broke my mom's front seat to her car. But I rarely mention that fact.

the past three weeks in a nutshell

The idea of someone always being there for you is a novel idea. Bon Jovi reinforces this in his song, "I'll be there for you." The Lord of the Rings' characters epitomize loyalty, friendship and company. And, of course, who can forget Mark Wahlbergs unforgettable Bob Lee Swagger who is at just the right place at just the right time for just the right person? We simply accept the fact that eventually, we will have that someone or we will be that someone. My little confession is that these seemingly small declarations of loyalty are enough to arouse my vaguely feminine emotions. (Yes. Sometimes, I cry.)

But reality is not the box-office hit or the top-album compilation. Reality is having someone, who you regarded as your best friend, have their life turned upside down/inside out by someone with whom they trusted the most important thing they had. Reality is losing your friends. Reality is your sister -- I can't really continue except to say that if you know whats going on, then you know what I mean. Reality is knowing that others expect you to do the same, and that you think you might too. So much for free-will.

I'm also learning an aspect of loyalty through my college education. You could prolly tell that i was upset when I came to VA - not because of the workload or anything, but because, when i left initially, I was scared of losing my friends. Time proved that to be true. I never heard from or saw alot of the people I was in daily contact with before I left. In a sense, this is one reason why I don't want to leave this time. Some friends - i don't want to lose. For my own sake, I can't afford to lose.

It's kinda hypocritical, isn't it? The loyalty I crave for in others, I can't even provide - if just to myself. College can be the most rewarding, successful, and spiritually amazing time a person can have. On the other side, it can be, at times, lonely, make one self-dependant, and downright struggling. I can't even be a stable person for myself. I'm not bipolar, or manic or anything. But sometimes, at random times, I remember this and... idk. I'm upset at what I can't be.

I am so glad for my friends - my old friends who have stayed with me, my newly discovered friends who remind me that I am not who my sister is, and for just the people who appreciate me for who I am.

So, thanks, guys. Thanks for the support and I understand that sometimes, the best thing to do is to not get involved with other people's problems (like mine), so to you, I say, thanks for your time that you have set aside and given to me. You mean more than you know. I'm really struggling and it means so much to know that i have a force behind me, ready to push me through my issues, even if it's just for a short time. =)

John Wayne

. I . Love . John . Wayne .


I think he is the most amazing guy ever. Like, ever ever.

Every movie he was in, he was a character who kept to moral standards.

Some people tell me they have a couple of his movies. Or they have heard of him, but never saw a John Wayne movie. Or, worse yet, they have never even heard of him.

This is a problem. What the heck is wrong with a society that idolizes people like Brad Pitt or Matt Damon over men like John Wayne?

Coping

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to realize that you are not in control. Lately, so many things have happened and I feel that if I can't fix it, I can be blamed for it. Don't ask. Thats how I am. It's how I've always been.

I guess I could try to fix it. In fact, I have. I am trying to pay off the fine. I have tried to call her. I even started tracing her to find out what exactly has been going on down there.

But I can't fix it. I have no money. She won't talk to me and even if i do trace her, what then? A road trip to Alabama?

No, I cant fix it. Maybe it was my fault to begin with...

Maybe I could have been there for her more, ya know? I was always the one that would angrily try to fix the problems she's caused. I got upset every time I knew she was on the phone with him. Maybe there was a time she just wanted to talk and I wasnt there to listen.

I guess my only option is to ignore it, as i sit here and eat pringles and drink my last snapple...

Nostalgic

This evening, I was working. I looked out the doors and remembered seeing someone there. I quickly turned around because I didn't want to imagine him again.

I stood at my desk and looked across the department and remembered something else. I sat down quickly and focused on my work. I didn't want to remember that either.

Sitting at the computer - watching the screensaver - kicking off my shoes - twirling a pen in my hand -- I remembered having people stand around me. I remember them. I remember one in particular.

I picked up the phone. My fingers thoughtlessly tapped out the phone number i needed. I hung up the phone quickly, freaked out that I remembered.

My vision blurred and my throat felt weird.

Maybe I didn't want to remember some things, but they are a very part of me that I can't explain.

Statements and Conclusions at 12:44pm

It's so weird how people's opinions of other people change soooo much. There are so many people that I found annoying, weird and scary. But, after i got to know them, they were really cool.

Conversely, the people who i thought were awesome turned out to be kinda hurtful.

Conclusion:
When we set our requirements high, people are going to fail them.
When we don't expect things from other people, we know that those relationships/friendships are going to last.

So if i don't like you, that's actually a good thing.

Wow...

Guys, i had an amazing night. Well, not amazing. How about a 'wow' night?

There were mice in styrofoam cups, kiwi's over dorms and country music on the piano. What could be better?

ah, i wish for more evening like this one.

First in You

"Why do I let them in and
Close the door to You?
Why do I laugh with them, cry with them
When You're the one who's true?

"When they make me mad, upset
I get alone and cry.
Gently, You wipe my tears away with
'I have always been close by.' (Heb. 13:5)

"I shove You aside, not ready
To let You in to stay.
I have so many things to do and
You'll just get in my way.

"When will I realize
That all I seek in others
I will find first in You?

"Because You want me
And I need to be wanted.
You seek me
Because I need to be sought.
You take my sorrows
And make them Your own.
You remind me of His promise -
'The Father left you not alone.' (John 8:29)

I'll find first in You
The confidence I lack.
I'll find first in You
The one whose got my back.
I'll find first in You
The God of Abraham
I'll find first in You
The person that I am.

a corner of your mouth smiles...

... while everyone ignores your frown.

So, i'm back from break. for those of you who respond with, 'you were gone?', i reply with a hearty ha-ha.

but yes, i am back. and i am depressed.

i have realized that my friends are people that were. that nothing has continued. that the tears shed in december 2007 were justified.

i felt isolated, in a sense. and that's okay. nothing - not even people - are going to stay the same. friends are momentary. relationships are fleeting. of course, these people arent dead. i can still talk to them, ya know? but there is something lost that will never be regained.

You pause before embarking on your new path, contemplating life...
...and you can feel a corner of your mouth smile.

The truth... and not

I hope that, after finishing this typing, i will be rid of these feelings.

I like control. I like knowing what's going to happen and i feel much better about it if I'm the one who made it happen. I like telling people what to do, not because i want to be bossy, but just because I want to be in control of the situation.

I don't like feeling out of control. I dont like it when I can't make a decision myself and someone makes it for me.

I like going into a situation that has absolutely no control. When i leave it, everything will be in order.

I liked working at Goods. I liked looking at the schedule, noticing the errors and fixing them myself, without bothering to tell management. I liked the way people would come to me and ask me for help. Even though it wasn't my place, I told them what to do. They always thought what I had to say was important enough to a) listen to, b) ask for and c) do.

I think that the ppl i dislike mostly in my life were the ones who tried to tell me what to do when I felt it wasnt their place. I try only to impose my opinion to people who ask, people who need it or myself. I try always to have a response.

I am trying to work on it, but if that is essentially who I am, should I even bother to change it?

R is for Perfect

Today, I left chapel feeling .: perfect :.

I felt as if the speaker thought people were perfect, as if the entire PHC community was perfect and life was -- you've guessed it -- Perfect.

That's not life. Sorry. We're not perfect and we shouldn't try to be (my apologies to Ben Franklin).

Sometimes, people want perfection in God, each other and ourselves.

God is perfect. Sometimes we don't agree with His will for our lives. So we classify our malcontent as 'imperfection'. Just because we dont like the way God is leading our lives doesn't mean we are embarking on the wrong lifestyle. Oftentimes, these moments of dicomfort are with ourselves, but we like the blame God.

We seek perfection in others. By perfection, I mean no faults. This is a lie that we live with every day. We truly expect those we love - or ones we desire to love - to be without faults. Then, when they mess up, we are disappointed.

I expect myself to be perfect. No explanation required.

Guess what? We're not.

Who You Think I Am

If you haven't already, I suggest you look at "Good Girl" lyrics from the album 'Room to Breathe.'

I want to thank Hannah for sending me this song. It re-defined me. I was refreshed and pushed back into myself, so to speak.

This post is rated S for Sappy - and T for True. Be forewarned... It'll be short, I promise. I have an outline to write.

Anyways, if you want to get on my good side, remind me of who I am. Ridiculous, right? Not really...

We are in a society where people don't know who they are or what they believe. The reason why people get in trouble is they have not yet found their identity.

But even after you find it, it's hard to keep it. All the time, I have to remind myself of who I am. Of what I stand for - of what I'm waiting for... once i realize this, life gets easier.

My take on verse one:
I'm going through something alone. I don't tell you my problems because I want you to make them magically all better. I tell you because it lifts the burdens off my shoulders.

Life isn't about fitting in. Once I make a decision based on my peers, I begin to lose myself. I become just another 'Flirt-in-a-skirt.' Sure, if you define flirt as, "Behave carelessly or indifferently, especially to the opposite gender", then, yeah. Guys are fun to talk to and converse with. And the skirt thing - guilty of that too... But there are actions that follow these Skirt/Flirt people. When I get to that level, I've lost me. I live like I am different, because I am.

My take on verse two:
I may be on my own, but I have what it takes, both spiritually and physically.

And when your dreams have been delayed/ You've got the strength to wait/ So keep on waiting.

This part speaks to me. God is holding something back from me. I know it. I am incomplete and I feel like it. But I can wait, and I will. God will complete me in His perfect timing - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My take on verse three:
Kinda the "Rocky" girl coming out - you're not like the other girls: sugar, spice, and everything nice. You've got the grit and determination it takes to set you apart. Life isn't about you - It's about your Savior.

My take on the chorus:

Hang on, good girl, you're not the only one/ Be strong, good girl, when the pressure comes/ When they try to bring you down/ You'll be glad you stood your ground.

Lately, I've been giving in to the pressure. I've been losing myself.

.: fiNaL THouGhT :.

I want people to look at me and say, "Yeah, that's Rebekah..." Because, ya wanna know something? Whether or not you like it...

. . . that's who I am.

It May Be A Stupid Golf Cart, But It's My Golf Cart !

Actually, this looks like a Fall Out Boy title. That's why I put it. But the post has nothing to do with a golf cart or Fall Out Boy. Wish it did. Instead you're going to get is a brainload of my evening.

Okay, so day started okay. We went to the Holocaust Museum. Kinda jolting. In order to get class credit, I am to submit a one-page paper on my experience. Since I didn't have an electrifying experience (I always feel torn when reading anything on the Holocaust), I wrote on something that was more than, "Hitler was evil" (which he was), or "Jews were degraded" (which they were), or even a moment-by-moment narrative. "We went inside. We talked to tour guide. We turned off cellphones. We tripped on escalator. We watched kids wipe his snotty nose..." (4/5 of those things happened, btw.). I wrote on Mordechai Aneilewicz and his girlfriend Mira Furcher (I think I spelled that incorrectly. Gimme a break. It's 11:40'ish). It's a truly amazing story of dedication, relatiation and ... sigh. In the morass of the millions of Jews, there were two people who believed in their heritage and strength, but more importantly, they believed in each other. Okay, before I start to re-write my paper here, I'll move on... (It reminded me of the Bogie quote: The problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans...)

Then, my friend and I went to a coffeehouse and studied. It was a glorious studytime. Then a band came in and set themselves up and... sang. Oh, Zeus, how they sang. Songs like, "Back in the USSR" and "Keep your hands to yourself." Ironically, they sang the song "Women like Sharp-Dressed Men." The band looked like:
1. They lived in their car
2. They had no thought for personal grooming/hygiene and
3. and ... and... all right, i know debaters do things in "3's", but i think two are enough for this one. I wasn't thrilled the band came, but it provided a laugh and you shouldn't regret something that makes ya smile, ya know? Get your kicks when you can...

Anyways, we left when they stopped blocking the door.

Immediately upon leaving, we went to the gym. I worked out for a solid hour. Hour'ish. Well, it felt like an hour. I biked two miles, did 10 minutes of curling 20 lbs, had leg work outs - 10 minutes at a 20 lbs and 10 lbs each, and some arm thing or whatever.

Then, came back, showered and studied.

Gosh, I loved today !

trying to be normal (?)

Yes, I realize that i am one-of-a-kind. Not like the Disney "We're all special" ideology, but more in an insane way. I like Coca-Cola better than Pepsi. John Wayne is the most amazing man ever. Scrumbly is a word and talking weird is acceptable.

I'm not saying everyone should experience these traits, but I still have to ask: Why can't other people try to be normal?

Normal is nice. Normal is general. Normal makes people feel at ease.

Normal is NOT flailing yours arms around during "worship" service. Normal is not complaining about your workload, then spend the entirety of your evening with the guys. And normal is NOT telling someone you care about them, then make them feel 'crappy' by ranting on them

And, yes, I understand being moved of the Spirit, being convicted and being motivated in a worship service. I .:love:. hanging around 'my guys' when time permits me, even though included in that group wold be my brothers. And i truly, truly understand giving your opinion in order to help a person overcome issues in their life.

I was told that if you dont fit in with a specific group, that's okay. I'm begining to believe it...

(~ Keep Singing ~)

Another rainy day/I can't recall having sunshine on my face/All I feel is pain/All I wanna do is walk out of this place/But when I am stuck and I can't move/When I don't know what I should do/When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing/I gotta keep praising Your name/ You're the one that's keeping my heart beating/I gotta keep singing/ I gotta keep praising Your name/ That's the only way that I'll find healing.

Sometimes, we know some things. And other times, we need to be reminded of them.

It seems like alot of my days are rainy and I can't remember what it was like to feel wanted, or accepted, as shallow as that sounds. It seems that everything I do is tainted with some sort of pain and the only thing that will relieve me of my discomfort is getting out of the rut - the place where I am - and start over again. Yet, despite this desire to leave, I cannot move - whether through fear or personal reasons. In times as these, I feel inadequate, unusable and drained - both spiritually and physically. I don't know what to do to save myself from this emotion, nor do I know how or when I'll stop feeling this way.

But there is a way to escape it.

I've gotta keep singing. I've gotta take my eyes off of the temporal and set them on the eternal. I have to constantly ask God why I am waiting, why I am still searching, why I am still hurt by the things I thought I have grown out of, and why I am convicted of so many things.

I need to realize this because this is the only way I will gain healing - not by knowing why I am hurt, but knowing that, ultimately, God deserves the praise. The end results to this will be worth the pain I feel now. The person I will be is not even comparable to the person I am now. And God is no match for my own will.

God, I pray that You will mold my life into being the person You can contour to fit Your perfect plan. I pray that I will not allow this discomfort to be in vain, but rather that You will become my bastion, my shelter, and my cleft.

I pray that you will embolden me to keep singing and praising your name, that I can look back and say that You were with me; that I walked with You in newness of life.

Empower me during my times of trials, when my spirit is weakest and I feel my strength waning. Help me to walk closer to You that I may know You and You may welcome me into the joy of Your Kingdom. I pray that i will open up to Your healing.