... while everyone ignores your frown.
So, i'm back from break. for those of you who respond with, 'you were gone?', i reply with a hearty ha-ha.
but yes, i am back. and i am depressed.
i have realized that my friends are people that were. that nothing has continued. that the tears shed in december 2007 were justified.
i felt isolated, in a sense. and that's okay. nothing - not even people - are going to stay the same. friends are momentary. relationships are fleeting. of course, these people arent dead. i can still talk to them, ya know? but there is something lost that will never be regained.
You pause before embarking on your new path, contemplating life...
...and you can feel a corner of your mouth smile.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 8, 2008
The truth... and not
I hope that, after finishing this typing, i will be rid of these feelings.
I like control. I like knowing what's going to happen and i feel much better about it if I'm the one who made it happen. I like telling people what to do, not because i want to be bossy, but just because I want to be in control of the situation.
I don't like feeling out of control. I dont like it when I can't make a decision myself and someone makes it for me.
I like going into a situation that has absolutely no control. When i leave it, everything will be in order.
I liked working at Goods. I liked looking at the schedule, noticing the errors and fixing them myself, without bothering to tell management. I liked the way people would come to me and ask me for help. Even though it wasn't my place, I told them what to do. They always thought what I had to say was important enough to a) listen to, b) ask for and c) do.
I think that the ppl i dislike mostly in my life were the ones who tried to tell me what to do when I felt it wasnt their place. I try only to impose my opinion to people who ask, people who need it or myself. I try always to have a response.
I am trying to work on it, but if that is essentially who I am, should I even bother to change it?
I like control. I like knowing what's going to happen and i feel much better about it if I'm the one who made it happen. I like telling people what to do, not because i want to be bossy, but just because I want to be in control of the situation.
I don't like feeling out of control. I dont like it when I can't make a decision myself and someone makes it for me.
I like going into a situation that has absolutely no control. When i leave it, everything will be in order.
I liked working at Goods. I liked looking at the schedule, noticing the errors and fixing them myself, without bothering to tell management. I liked the way people would come to me and ask me for help. Even though it wasn't my place, I told them what to do. They always thought what I had to say was important enough to a) listen to, b) ask for and c) do.
I think that the ppl i dislike mostly in my life were the ones who tried to tell me what to do when I felt it wasnt their place. I try only to impose my opinion to people who ask, people who need it or myself. I try always to have a response.
I am trying to work on it, but if that is essentially who I am, should I even bother to change it?
Friday, February 29, 2008
R is for Perfect
Today, I left chapel feeling .: perfect :.
I felt as if the speaker thought people were perfect, as if the entire PHC community was perfect and life was -- you've guessed it -- Perfect.
That's not life. Sorry. We're not perfect and we shouldn't try to be (my apologies to Ben Franklin).
Sometimes, people want perfection in God, each other and ourselves.
God is perfect. Sometimes we don't agree with His will for our lives. So we classify our malcontent as 'imperfection'. Just because we dont like the way God is leading our lives doesn't mean we are embarking on the wrong lifestyle. Oftentimes, these moments of dicomfort are with ourselves, but we like the blame God.
We seek perfection in others. By perfection, I mean no faults. This is a lie that we live with every day. We truly expect those we love - or ones we desire to love - to be without faults. Then, when they mess up, we are disappointed.
I expect myself to be perfect. No explanation required.
Guess what? We're not.
I felt as if the speaker thought people were perfect, as if the entire PHC community was perfect and life was -- you've guessed it -- Perfect.
That's not life. Sorry. We're not perfect and we shouldn't try to be (my apologies to Ben Franklin).
Sometimes, people want perfection in God, each other and ourselves.
God is perfect. Sometimes we don't agree with His will for our lives. So we classify our malcontent as 'imperfection'. Just because we dont like the way God is leading our lives doesn't mean we are embarking on the wrong lifestyle. Oftentimes, these moments of dicomfort are with ourselves, but we like the blame God.
We seek perfection in others. By perfection, I mean no faults. This is a lie that we live with every day. We truly expect those we love - or ones we desire to love - to be without faults. Then, when they mess up, we are disappointed.
I expect myself to be perfect. No explanation required.
Guess what? We're not.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Who You Think I Am
If you haven't already, I suggest you look at "Good Girl" lyrics from the album 'Room to Breathe.'
I want to thank Hannah for sending me this song. It re-defined me. I was refreshed and pushed back into myself, so to speak.
This post is rated S for Sappy - and T for True. Be forewarned... It'll be short, I promise. I have an outline to write.
Anyways, if you want to get on my good side, remind me of who I am. Ridiculous, right? Not really...
We are in a society where people don't know who they are or what they believe. The reason why people get in trouble is they have not yet found their identity.
But even after you find it, it's hard to keep it. All the time, I have to remind myself of who I am. Of what I stand for - of what I'm waiting for... once i realize this, life gets easier.
My take on verse one:
I'm going through something alone. I don't tell you my problems because I want you to make them magically all better. I tell you because it lifts the burdens off my shoulders.
Life isn't about fitting in. Once I make a decision based on my peers, I begin to lose myself. I become just another 'Flirt-in-a-skirt.' Sure, if you define flirt as, "Behave carelessly or indifferently, especially to the opposite gender", then, yeah. Guys are fun to talk to and converse with. And the skirt thing - guilty of that too... But there are actions that follow these Skirt/Flirt people. When I get to that level, I've lost me. I live like I am different, because I am.
My take on verse two:
I may be on my own, but I have what it takes, both spiritually and physically.
And when your dreams have been delayed/ You've got the strength to wait/ So keep on waiting.
This part speaks to me. God is holding something back from me. I know it. I am incomplete and I feel like it. But I can wait, and I will. God will complete me in His perfect timing - and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My take on verse three:
Kinda the "Rocky" girl coming out - you're not like the other girls: sugar, spice, and everything nice. You've got the grit and determination it takes to set you apart. Life isn't about you - It's about your Savior.
My take on the chorus:
Hang on, good girl, you're not the only one/ Be strong, good girl, when the pressure comes/ When they try to bring you down/ You'll be glad you stood your ground.
Lately, I've been giving in to the pressure. I've been losing myself.
I want to thank Hannah for sending me this song. It re-defined me. I was refreshed and pushed back into myself, so to speak.
This post is rated S for Sappy - and T for True. Be forewarned... It'll be short, I promise. I have an outline to write.
Anyways, if you want to get on my good side, remind me of who I am. Ridiculous, right? Not really...
We are in a society where people don't know who they are or what they believe. The reason why people get in trouble is they have not yet found their identity.
But even after you find it, it's hard to keep it. All the time, I have to remind myself of who I am. Of what I stand for - of what I'm waiting for... once i realize this, life gets easier.
My take on verse one:
I'm going through something alone. I don't tell you my problems because I want you to make them magically all better. I tell you because it lifts the burdens off my shoulders.
Life isn't about fitting in. Once I make a decision based on my peers, I begin to lose myself. I become just another 'Flirt-in-a-skirt.' Sure, if you define flirt as, "Behave carelessly or indifferently, especially to the opposite gender", then, yeah. Guys are fun to talk to and converse with. And the skirt thing - guilty of that too... But there are actions that follow these Skirt/Flirt people. When I get to that level, I've lost me. I live like I am different, because I am.
My take on verse two:
I may be on my own, but I have what it takes, both spiritually and physically.
And when your dreams have been delayed/ You've got the strength to wait/ So keep on waiting.
This part speaks to me. God is holding something back from me. I know it. I am incomplete and I feel like it. But I can wait, and I will. God will complete me in His perfect timing - and I wouldn't have it any other way.
My take on verse three:
Kinda the "Rocky" girl coming out - you're not like the other girls: sugar, spice, and everything nice. You've got the grit and determination it takes to set you apart. Life isn't about you - It's about your Savior.
My take on the chorus:
Hang on, good girl, you're not the only one/ Be strong, good girl, when the pressure comes/ When they try to bring you down/ You'll be glad you stood your ground.
Lately, I've been giving in to the pressure. I've been losing myself.
.: fiNaL THouGhT :.
I want people to look at me and say, "Yeah, that's Rebekah..." Because, ya wanna know something? Whether or not you like it...
. . . that's who I am.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
It May Be A Stupid Golf Cart, But It's My Golf Cart !
Actually, this looks like a Fall Out Boy title. That's why I put it. But the post has nothing to do with a golf cart or Fall Out Boy. Wish it did. Instead you're going to get is a brainload of my evening.
Okay, so day started okay. We went to the Holocaust Museum. Kinda jolting. In order to get class credit, I am to submit a one-page paper on my experience. Since I didn't have an electrifying experience (I always feel torn when reading anything on the Holocaust), I wrote on something that was more than, "Hitler was evil" (which he was), or "Jews were degraded" (which they were), or even a moment-by-moment narrative. "We went inside. We talked to tour guide. We turned off cellphones. We tripped on escalator. We watched kids wipe his snotty nose..." (4/5 of those things happened, btw.). I wrote on Mordechai Aneilewicz and his girlfriend Mira Furcher (I think I spelled that incorrectly. Gimme a break. It's 11:40'ish). It's a truly amazing story of dedication, relatiation and ... sigh. In the morass of the millions of Jews, there were two people who believed in their heritage and strength, but more importantly, they believed in each other. Okay, before I start to re-write my paper here, I'll move on... (It reminded me of the Bogie quote: The problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans...)
Then, my friend and I went to a coffeehouse and studied. It was a glorious studytime. Then a band came in and set themselves up and... sang. Oh, Zeus, how they sang. Songs like, "Back in the USSR" and "Keep your hands to yourself." Ironically, they sang the song "Women like Sharp-Dressed Men." The band looked like:
1. They lived in their car
2. They had no thought for personal grooming/hygiene and
3. and ... and... all right, i know debaters do things in "3's", but i think two are enough for this one. I wasn't thrilled the band came, but it provided a laugh and you shouldn't regret something that makes ya smile, ya know? Get your kicks when you can...
Anyways, we left when they stopped blocking the door.
Immediately upon leaving, we went to the gym. I worked out for a solid hour. Hour'ish. Well, it felt like an hour. I biked two miles, did 10 minutes of curling 20 lbs, had leg work outs - 10 minutes at a 20 lbs and 10 lbs each, and some arm thing or whatever.
Then, came back, showered and studied.
Gosh, I loved today !
Okay, so day started okay. We went to the Holocaust Museum. Kinda jolting. In order to get class credit, I am to submit a one-page paper on my experience. Since I didn't have an electrifying experience (I always feel torn when reading anything on the Holocaust), I wrote on something that was more than, "Hitler was evil" (which he was), or "Jews were degraded" (which they were), or even a moment-by-moment narrative. "We went inside. We talked to tour guide. We turned off cellphones. We tripped on escalator. We watched kids wipe his snotty nose..." (4/5 of those things happened, btw.). I wrote on Mordechai Aneilewicz and his girlfriend Mira Furcher (I think I spelled that incorrectly. Gimme a break. It's 11:40'ish). It's a truly amazing story of dedication, relatiation and ... sigh. In the morass of the millions of Jews, there were two people who believed in their heritage and strength, but more importantly, they believed in each other. Okay, before I start to re-write my paper here, I'll move on... (It reminded me of the Bogie quote: The problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans...)
Then, my friend and I went to a coffeehouse and studied. It was a glorious studytime. Then a band came in and set themselves up and... sang. Oh, Zeus, how they sang. Songs like, "Back in the USSR" and "Keep your hands to yourself." Ironically, they sang the song "Women like Sharp-Dressed Men." The band looked like:
1. They lived in their car
2. They had no thought for personal grooming/hygiene and
3. and ... and... all right, i know debaters do things in "3's", but i think two are enough for this one. I wasn't thrilled the band came, but it provided a laugh and you shouldn't regret something that makes ya smile, ya know? Get your kicks when you can...
Anyways, we left when they stopped blocking the door.
Immediately upon leaving, we went to the gym. I worked out for a solid hour. Hour'ish. Well, it felt like an hour. I biked two miles, did 10 minutes of curling 20 lbs, had leg work outs - 10 minutes at a 20 lbs and 10 lbs each, and some arm thing or whatever.
Then, came back, showered and studied.
Gosh, I loved today !
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
trying to be normal (?)
Yes, I realize that i am one-of-a-kind. Not like the Disney "We're all special" ideology, but more in an insane way. I like Coca-Cola better than Pepsi. John Wayne is the most amazing man ever. Scrumbly is a word and talking weird is acceptable.
I'm not saying everyone should experience these traits, but I still have to ask: Why can't other people try to be normal?
Normal is nice. Normal is general. Normal makes people feel at ease.
Normal is NOT flailing yours arms around during "worship" service. Normal is not complaining about your workload, then spend the entirety of your evening with the guys. And normal is NOT telling someone you care about them, then make them feel 'crappy' by ranting on them
And, yes, I understand being moved of the Spirit, being convicted and being motivated in a worship service. I .:love:. hanging around 'my guys' when time permits me, even though included in that group wold be my brothers. And i truly, truly understand giving your opinion in order to help a person overcome issues in their life.
I was told that if you dont fit in with a specific group, that's okay. I'm begining to believe it...
I'm not saying everyone should experience these traits, but I still have to ask: Why can't other people try to be normal?
Normal is nice. Normal is general. Normal makes people feel at ease.
Normal is NOT flailing yours arms around during "worship" service. Normal is not complaining about your workload, then spend the entirety of your evening with the guys. And normal is NOT telling someone you care about them, then make them feel 'crappy' by ranting on them
And, yes, I understand being moved of the Spirit, being convicted and being motivated in a worship service. I .:love:. hanging around 'my guys' when time permits me, even though included in that group wold be my brothers. And i truly, truly understand giving your opinion in order to help a person overcome issues in their life.
I was told that if you dont fit in with a specific group, that's okay. I'm begining to believe it...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
(~ Keep Singing ~)
Another rainy day/I can't recall having sunshine on my face/All I feel is pain/All I wanna do is walk out of this place/But when I am stuck and I can't move/When I don't know what I should do/When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
I gotta keep singing/I gotta keep praising Your name/ You're the one that's keeping my heart beating/I gotta keep singing/ I gotta keep praising Your name/ That's the only way that I'll find healing.
Sometimes, we know some things. And other times, we need to be reminded of them.
It seems like alot of my days are rainy and I can't remember what it was like to feel wanted, or accepted, as shallow as that sounds. It seems that everything I do is tainted with some sort of pain and the only thing that will relieve me of my discomfort is getting out of the rut - the place where I am - and start over again. Yet, despite this desire to leave, I cannot move - whether through fear or personal reasons. In times as these, I feel inadequate, unusable and drained - both spiritually and physically. I don't know what to do to save myself from this emotion, nor do I know how or when I'll stop feeling this way.
But there is a way to escape it.
I've gotta keep singing. I've gotta take my eyes off of the temporal and set them on the eternal. I have to constantly ask God why I am waiting, why I am still searching, why I am still hurt by the things I thought I have grown out of, and why I am convicted of so many things.
I need to realize this because this is the only way I will gain healing - not by knowing why I am hurt, but knowing that, ultimately, God deserves the praise. The end results to this will be worth the pain I feel now. The person I will be is not even comparable to the person I am now. And God is no match for my own will.
God, I pray that You will mold my life into being the person You can contour to fit Your perfect plan. I pray that I will not allow this discomfort to be in vain, but rather that You will become my bastion, my shelter, and my cleft.
I pray that you will embolden me to keep singing and praising your name, that I can look back and say that You were with me; that I walked with You in newness of life.
Empower me during my times of trials, when my spirit is weakest and I feel my strength waning. Help me to walk closer to You that I may know You and You may welcome me into the joy of Your Kingdom. I pray that i will open up to Your healing.
I gotta keep singing/I gotta keep praising Your name/ You're the one that's keeping my heart beating/I gotta keep singing/ I gotta keep praising Your name/ That's the only way that I'll find healing.
Sometimes, we know some things. And other times, we need to be reminded of them.
It seems like alot of my days are rainy and I can't remember what it was like to feel wanted, or accepted, as shallow as that sounds. It seems that everything I do is tainted with some sort of pain and the only thing that will relieve me of my discomfort is getting out of the rut - the place where I am - and start over again. Yet, despite this desire to leave, I cannot move - whether through fear or personal reasons. In times as these, I feel inadequate, unusable and drained - both spiritually and physically. I don't know what to do to save myself from this emotion, nor do I know how or when I'll stop feeling this way.
But there is a way to escape it.
I've gotta keep singing. I've gotta take my eyes off of the temporal and set them on the eternal. I have to constantly ask God why I am waiting, why I am still searching, why I am still hurt by the things I thought I have grown out of, and why I am convicted of so many things.
I need to realize this because this is the only way I will gain healing - not by knowing why I am hurt, but knowing that, ultimately, God deserves the praise. The end results to this will be worth the pain I feel now. The person I will be is not even comparable to the person I am now. And God is no match for my own will.
God, I pray that You will mold my life into being the person You can contour to fit Your perfect plan. I pray that I will not allow this discomfort to be in vain, but rather that You will become my bastion, my shelter, and my cleft.
I pray that you will embolden me to keep singing and praising your name, that I can look back and say that You were with me; that I walked with You in newness of life.
Empower me during my times of trials, when my spirit is weakest and I feel my strength waning. Help me to walk closer to You that I may know You and You may welcome me into the joy of Your Kingdom. I pray that i will open up to Your healing.
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